YOU'RE THE BEST....AROUND! NODOBYSGONNAEVERBRINGYOUDOWN

Gonna put this one out there guys....................
2000-2009 WAS AMAZING!!!!!

All the best stuff happened!! Some examples for y'all$:

• This blog
• Terrorism got stopped by america
• Finally got some closure on Star Wars

Yeah!! AMAZINNNGGGGGGGG
So here's my favourite records of the DECADE!!!

N.B: these are definitely not the best records that came out - everybody has their favourites!! I don't want to make anyone feel bad y'all$ D:

10. Grails - The Burden Of Hope

As y'all$ all know, the 21st-century was the century of post-rock. And still is. The "21" actually stands for the number of FX pedal$ post-rock band$ usually have. This rekkid has, I think, two pedals used throughout - one is a reverb pedal and the other one is...uh...the Grails tone-zone master blaster pedal. Safe.

9. ...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead - Source Tags & Codes

Yeah, sure, its not Madonna, the aging pop-slag, or "Madonna" - trail of dead$ amazing second album, but its real good yeah? There are no pedals used on this album apart from at the end of songs where ALL THE PEDALS are used

8. Fugazi - The Argument

"Off kilter", "riffs", "angular" - all of these things have something in common. They are all words. This is a really good record!

7. Do Make Say Think - & Yet & Yet

I love this record because it reminds me of my friend who had a power shower, with which he gave himself a colonic by pointing it up his bumhole for 20 minutes. When he turned it off his bath was flooded with brown, soupy water.

6. Sharks Keep Moving - S/T

Minus The Bear but less people have heard it so its cooler, get me

5. Thrice - The Illusion Of Safety

Really really want to be the asian guy in this band who's always playing all the sweet riffs. Asian people are amazing at everything, except writing heart-felt, teen-angst existential lyrics. Which is why they have a white guy with a beard to do all the singing.

4. Curl Up & Die - But The Past Ain't Through With Us

So amazingly depressing. Technically an EP but just so so bleak couldn't not put it in there. The guitar tone on this rekkid is the epitomy of the peanut-butter $ound pioneered by this band in the first place. REKOGNIZE.

3. mewithoutYou - Catch For Us The Foxes

Met this relly kute girl while listening to this record. Would've been number one if she'd gone down on me.

2. Modern Life Is War - Witness

SO WHAT THE FUUUUCCKCCCKKKK
ARE YOU GONNA DO KID?!?
STILL RATTLIN' THE CHAINS OF THE GATESOFTHEWORRRRLD
saaaaafe

1. Bear VS Shark - Terrorhawk

Oh, what? You haven't even heard of this? That's because you're a massive dick.

I Don't Feel Right

Tesco Whole Earth/Americano Peanut Buttero/ASDA Peanut & Cashew Butter

YO YO YO DUDES!!!
Got a bodacious post for ya this week! Not one but 3!!!! peanut butters up for review!!1 THAT'S A SPICEY MEATBALL!!1

But first, the bad news - my doctor friend Ed has told me that maths scientists has found a disturbing condition related to my favourite past-time - it is THE FEAR OF EATING PEANUT BUTTER!!!1 Thanks maths!
Ed has promised me he'll get rid of this condition also using maths - thanks Ed!!






PICTURE NOT FOUND

YEAH!!! gonna jazz it up for you guys this time!! Instead of just reviewing these THREE peanut butters I've made a quiz, and you have to guess what sort of peanut butter you'd be - tubular!!1

Question the First:
1. Where do you live?
a) America/Eastern European hovel
b) On a farm
c) On a cashew plantation

Secondth Question:
2. What is your average annual income?
a) Several groates
b) Loadsa fahkin' money
c) N/A

Question being the Third of the questions:
3. What is your main export?
a) Children/after-birth/stem cells
b) Cocaine/family law advice/houses
c) Cashews

Question of the Fourth variety of questionings:
4. What do you feel like to the touch?
a) sticky & poor
b) velvety smooth with a dusty coating of refined belgian sugar
c) nut-esque

ANSWERS:

If you answered mostly A you are - LIDL (pronunced l-ee-del) Americano Peanut Buttero
If you answered mostly B you are - Tesco Whole Earth Organic Peanut Butter
If you answered mostly C you are - ASDA peanut AND cashew peanut butter (all lower case)

GREAT STUFF!!!!
Here is a record by a band called TOE. Thanks!!!1

Media Suppository (sp???)

NEWSFLASH: STUPID ANIMALS LIKE THINGS THAT ARE FOOD (AND THAT ARE ALSO PEANUT BUTTER)
courtesy of Damon

NEWSFLASH: MAN ENJOYS PEANUT BUTTER (TOO MUCH)
courtesy of Jack

NEWSFLASH: PEANUT BUTTER IS IN THIS SEASON (MUSICALLY) - WATCH OUT COOL PEOPLE!
courtesy of Shiri

FRIEND COLLAGE!!!










NEXT WEEK:

Guest reviewer! (possibly Alex if he reads this)

TESCO WHOLENUT - THE REVIEWENING

SPRING BREAK!!!

SPRING BREAK RULES!!!!!

Spring break is coming up soon (maybe)! I am super excited about all the fun we're going to have! In England we call Spring Break "Chrsitmas", but in America, they call Spring Break...SPRING BREAK!!! I'm just imagining all the adventures I might have...



ANYWAY! This blog is about reviewing peanut-butter, not wearing hoodies or being a bear!

This installment: Tesco Wholenut Crunchy Peanut Butter
After coming under attack from one Alex Andrews for not being a conessewer (sp???) of PB because I prefer smooth, silk like textures in my mouth, I have decided to defend my coinasser (sp?!?) status by reviewing a crunchy peanut butter AND banning him from ever posting on this blog.

(Picture of Tesco Wholenut Crunchy Peanut Butter)(


(Imagine it)

I found this particular spread to be what one might call a "keeping up with the jonses but failing" spread - there is no such thing as Fair Trade peanut butter, so the next best option is WHOLENUT. However, you don't have very much money so you shop at Tescos (but you think you are too good for Lidl because it is full of old Eastern European people). THIS IS THE SPREAD FOR YOU!!!

I found it mildly pleasant, and you can certainly feel the benefit of the extra roughage in your PB as it heads directly for your colon. However, the taste, whilst initially unsurprising yet pleasing, lingers indefinitely on one's tongue - ensuring a savoury aftertaste that is horrible, yet not without its charms if you go searching in the back of your mouth with a finger when you're really hungry.

Taste: 3/5 descending to 1/5
Texture: 2/5
Cost: THE PRICE IS RIGHT


REACH FOR THE SKIIS!!!

From a Concerned Reader

I recently received an electronic letter from one of my readers, who was quite clearly "disturbed" by the contents of my latest post. After a time of upheaval for me and the peanut butter world, I would like to address this electronic letter writer and, indeed, the entire peanut butter reader/reviewer community:

Dear XXXX

I understand your concern - I've taken a lot of flak for my musings vis a vis 'the nutty butty': my hard-line policy on sunpat, my favouring of smooth over crunchy, my use of un-credited pictures of asian people - all these things have drawn staunch defenders with vocal disapproval of my opinions.

As for "deciding" whether I like it or not, this has not been a choice. Rather, it has been a time of turbulence in my mouth and in the part of my brain related to my mouth. The recent revelation I was privy to regarding Philadelphia cream-cheese shook my world to its core/its foundations/the core of its foundations. For a boy - nay, a man - raised on 'pbutter', the nut-based spread is part of my DNA. I can reject it only as much as I can eject my arm from its socket without apparently touching/yanking it out with my other arm.

It is with much gravitas and appropriate ceremony that I state that I WILL NOT ABANDON MY FAVOURITE NON MEAT BASED SANDWICH SPREAD - you have my word.

Sincerely
The person who is writing this blog and doing what-not

Normal peanut-butter reviewing services will resume FORTHWITH


(REACH FOR YOUR DREAMS)

From Your Author

Don't know where to turn stop
Can't decide whether I like peanut butter anymore stop
Have starting spreading philadelphia cream cheese on everything stop
Existential crisis stop
Will consult with doctor stop

[converted from original email in the style of a telegram]

A PERSONAL POST

Yesterday, I came the closest I have ever been to pooing myself. I don't want to ruin the surprise but I did get to a toilet in time. Just. In memorium, I have composed a poem:

Syrupy brown friend Poking from my bottom Please go back inside It's not safe outside And I don't want to have to clean the doorstep Maybe I shouldn't eat so much bran Porcelain champion White and now flecked with poo You are my best friend I love you toilet But I still love pooing Such is life Was it all A Dream ????

I've been on holiday! I love holidays! But I love home too!
While I was on holiday I got my mum to get me some foreign peanut butter (pénút búttúré) - I got back a few days ago but my poo poem reminded me about peanut butter!



Calvé Pindakaas - El Peanut Buttere
Phwoar! That's a spicy meatball!

One thing you may not know and will be happy to find out is that peanut butter is the same everywhere around the world! No matter where you go or who you buy from, peanut butter is still made from peanuts (and some butter)! Calvé Pindakaas was pretty good stuff! I had it on Spanish bread though, so maybe I was enjoying the bread and not the peanut butter? What if that's the same with all the peanut butter I eat? Maybe I just like bread and not peanut butter.
Ow.
That hurts my head.

Taste: Quatro/Sinco
Texture: Tres/Sinco
Cost: Tres/Sinco

Here is a record by Torche! What a great band! They are "just wow" as my mum would say! This is their first record!! Good job for getting it right first time dudes! SLAMMIN!! It is sludge with a positive message - STAY POSI!!

Bye!!

GUEST REVIEW: Simon Thomas of Blue Peter Fame

Review

Growing up, I was never a fan of peanut butter. I found the chunky, sticky texture far too much for my delicate, refined palette. I recently ventured to the United States where peanut butter is ubiquitous and I steadily grew to tolerate it. So here is my review of peanut butter, for those of you who have not yet embraced it.

Use:

Peanut butter is really good in sandwiches. I highly recommend trying this. Also, combined with ‘J’ (i.e. PB+J) it is nice. I have heard that peanut butter can be used in other savoury and indeed sweet contexts but I advise avoiding them because on my part, these are unchartered waters.

Taste:

The taste of peanut butter is not dissimilar to that of peanuts only more smooth and paste like. I would recommend peanut butter to those without teeth or perhaps those who like both thick drinks and peanuts. Peanut butter is a suitable combination of both.

I only had peanut butter within the context of PB+J. It was very nice but seeing as I have never eaten peanut butter on its own I am going to assume that it is horrible so I recommend everyone avoiding it.

Texture:

Peanut butter, as outlined above is thick and sticky. If your personality matches both of these attributes, you’re sure to love peanut butter. It is essentially, for thick, sticky people. As I have abstained from the paste for 24 years, I do not fall in this category. I only ate smooth peanut butter so I would suggest that everyone go for smooth as chunky is probably disgusting.

Variables:

Peanut butter can come in many different guises. The first guise I came across was thinner, fruit flavoured peanut butter (JAM). This is nice and I recommend it. I also stumbled across white and cold peanut butter (ICE CREAM) this is also nice but often not suitable within the PB+J sandwich context.

Peanut butter in summary:

Taste: 3/5

Texture: 4/5

Cost: 5 dollars.

ASDA Organic Crunchy Peanut Butter

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I love to party!! And so does my friend and yours Andrew WK!! I love Japan! AND SO DOES MY FRIEND AND YOURS ANDREW WK!!! Andy (not Andy P) recorded this super-great album of covers of Japanese pop songs AWW IT ROCKS!! Nothing has ever rocked this hard (I'm pretty sure!)! A lot of the words are English so don't worry about not understanding - also, partying is the same in any language AS ANDREW WK SAYS!!! If I had to compare Andrew WK to a peanut butter, it DEFINITELY wouldn't be ASDA Organic Crunchy Peanut Butter.












Comparing them would be like comparing partying and gardening (both extremely enjoyable!!)

ASDA Organic Crunchy Peanut Butter is an earthy, smooth in taste yet crunchy in texture peanut butter with a dusty bite you will not expect! It also one of the saltiest peanut butters ever (NOT NECESSARILY TRUE I HAVEN'T TASTED EVERY PEANUT BUTTER EVER). There is very little sweetness to this muddy, comforting peanut butter, but don't let that put you off! It is an excellent "come-down" peanut butter, when you have been up all night dancing (perhaps at a disco) and in the morning your head hurts (because you were up past your bedtime) - have some of this on toast and your headache will feel better (a bit)!!

Taste: 3/5
Texture: 4/5 (surprisingly smooth for a crunchy peanut butter!!!)
Cost: 4/5 (very cheap! good!)

Good on you ASDA!

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Sunpat Smooth

AIIIIII
AI-HA-HA-HAAAAIII
AM BLEEDIN
FROM MOI BROKEN HOOIIRRTT

So says Johnny Truant - best cockney metal band of 2002 and worst of any year after that! Maybe it was because I was 14, but these "dudes" were totally "righteous"!! Here is their only good album, The Repercussions Of A Badly Planned Suicide! If the only repercussions these guys were feeling was making a really good album, then I might have to try this "suicide" all the kids are talking about these days!!! (Just kidding guys! I wouldn't get into heaven - : /)

The guitar sound on this album reminds me of a very dense peanut butter, with hints of a bright nuttiness throughout. Rough around the edges, and very much a "maverick" kind of flavour, nonetheless, one of the better peanut butter/guitar sounds I've tasted, with my ears. Yeah!!!

Today, I'm going back on my word and featuring Sunpat - I'm not a liar though! "In This Economy" I've had to scale back my peanut butter choices, which includes stealing Damon's peanut butter. Whoa there buddies! Did I say stealing?! I meant using without his consent ; D




Eww gross!












As we all know, this isn't a great peanut butter!! Bland, inoffensive yet subtly offensive at the same time, Sunpat is the M.E. of the peanut butter world. I put this on sainsburys taste-the-difference crumpets for my tea yesterday and it ACTUALLY RUINED THE CRUMPETS ("pikelets" for northern people)!! That made me sad : (

Taste: 1/5
Texture: 2/5
Cost: 1/5 (I shouldn't have to pay for it!!1)

The cloy factor is huge on this one too friends! AVOID AVOID AVOID

Eegh!

GUEST SPOT - PARKO PVFC

This is my friend Andy! I really wanted him to review a peanut butter for my blog, but he's sooooo busy!! So I'm going to conduct an imaginary interview with him about his crippling fear of peanut butter! Excitement, thy name is blogosphere!

Mark: Hi Andy!
Andy: Hi Mark! Thanks for interviewing me!
Mark: You're welcome Andy! Now, why are you scared of peanut butter?
Andy: I don't know Mark! Maybe I don't have a soul?
Mark: I'm sure you do Andy!

Wow! What a great interview! I'd like to thank imaginary Andy for answering all my questions!

Here's a record!

It's by a band called the JAPANDROIDS!!! Great name guys! Everyone loves Japan AND robots - smart dudes! This record is GREAT for summertime, as they sing about kissin' girls and havin' fun! Right on! I feel ya guys! Their guitar sound is reminiscent of a peanut butter sandwich, but a light, posssibly low fat peanut butter on a fluffy slice of thick hovis! That's great!

Waitrose Own Brand Peanut Butter

Wow! Do you remember when young people had feelings? It seems that these days all they do is beat up grannies or ride single speed bicycles! Or both!

Camel understands about feelings - their super fun album Mirage is full of 'em! NOT REALLY! Camel invented prog, and anyone who thinks otherwise is totally wrong about this! I know what you're thinking super-buddies, "prog is dumb and for nerds!" or "its not called prog its called yacht-rock". They are both true! So don't tell anyone that you got this from me, SUPER-UNCOOL.

This is really the only good prog album ever - there are riffs and flute solos but they are always what Jimmy Chong calls "solid jams" - I feel ya Jimmy!

Onto peanut butter - MEMORY TEST! I remember once eating Waitrose own-brand peanut butter at my neighbour's house, in a sandwich. Wowee! It was really good!

I can't find a picture of it, so here is an adorable picture of an Asian person in Waitrose.

























The only thing I remember about Waitrose own brand peanut butter is that it is SUPER TASTY. Dang! Sorry guys!

Taste: 5/5!
Texture: 5/5!
Cost: 0/5 (Oh man! I want to buy some when I was 8 and it was super expensive for an 8 year old! Jeez!)

To conclude, this peanut butter probably is the best peanut butter ever! Yeah!

Tesco Own Brand Smooth Peanut Butter

A haiku:

Five percent, of your
Daily calorie intake
Not very tasty

Issue two of my blog is about peanut butter, but I also diversified into Bear Vs Shark's seminally happy-good-times record Right Now You're In The Best of Hands, And If Something's Not Quite Right, Your Doctor Will Know In A Hurry! Wow! That's a long title! But also very reassuring (thanks bear vs shark guys)!

Every track on this record is great! I wouldn't have put it up if it wasn't though - silly! A lot of people have called this album "pop-punk", but they're dumb. This record takes influence from motown, but I couldn't find it in there - I just call it good times super fun! Apart from two tracks which make me sad D:, but then the rest of the tracks make me feel even happier afterwards, so that's really good! Overall I would give this album Four High Fives! Yeah!

I am also reviewing Teso Own Brand Smooth Peanut Butter





Uh Oh this one is crunchy!

This peanut butter is bland and inoffensive. When I had my sandwich for lunch today I forgot what I was eating halfway through - IT IS THAT BORING. If it was a person they'd study economics and love "going out with the lads" - their facebook page would be very dull indeed! Oh dear!

Taste: n/a
Texture: 3/5
Cost: 5/5 (my mum bought it for me! that's value!)

To conclude, I would say this peanut is not great, or even good. But I would eat it - yum!