Spring break is coming up soon (maybe)! I am super excited about all the fun we're going to have! In England we call Spring Break "Chrsitmas", but in America, they call Spring Break...SPRING BREAK!!! I'm just imagining all the adventures I might have...
ANYWAY! This blog is about reviewing peanut-butter, not wearing hoodies or being a bear!
This installment: Tesco Wholenut Crunchy Peanut Butter After coming under attack from one Alex Andrews for not being a conessewer (sp???) of PB because I prefer smooth, silk like textures in my mouth, I have decided to defend my coinasser (sp?!?) status by reviewing a crunchy peanut butter AND banning him from ever posting on this blog.
(Picture of Tesco Wholenut Crunchy Peanut Butter)(
(Imagine it)
I found this particular spread to be what one might call a "keeping up with the jonses but failing" spread - there is no such thing as Fair Trade peanut butter, so the next best option is WHOLENUT. However, you don't have very much money so you shop at Tescos (but you think you are too good for Lidl because it is full of old Eastern European people). THIS IS THE SPREAD FOR YOU!!!
I found it mildly pleasant, and you can certainly feel the benefit of the extra roughage in your PB as it heads directly for your colon. However, the taste, whilst initially unsurprising yet pleasing, lingers indefinitely on one's tongue - ensuring a savoury aftertaste that is horrible, yet not without its charms if you go searching in the back of your mouth with a finger when you're really hungry.
Taste: 3/5 descending to 1/5 Texture: 2/5 Cost: THE PRICE IS RIGHT
I recently received an electronic letter from one of my readers, who was quite clearly "disturbed" by the contents of my latest post. After a time of upheaval for me and the peanut butter world, I would like to address this electronic letter writer and, indeed, the entire peanut butter reader/reviewer community:
Dear XXXX
I understand your concern - I've taken a lot of flak for my musings vis a vis 'the nutty butty': my hard-line policy on sunpat, my favouring of smooth over crunchy, my use of un-credited pictures of asian people - all these things have drawn staunch defenders with vocal disapproval of my opinions.
As for "deciding" whether I like it or not, this has not been a choice. Rather, it has been a time of turbulence in my mouth and in the part of my brain related to my mouth. The recent revelation I was privy to regarding Philadelphia cream-cheese shook my world to its core/its foundations/the core of its foundations. For a boy - nay, a man - raised on 'pbutter', the nut-based spread is part of my DNA. I can reject it only as much as I can eject my arm from its socket without apparently touching/yanking it out with my other arm.
It is with much gravitas and appropriate ceremony that I state that I WILL NOT ABANDON MY FAVOURITE NON MEAT BASED SANDWICH SPREAD - you have my word.
Sincerely The person who is writing this blog and doing what-not
Normal peanut-butter reviewing services will resume FORTHWITH
Don't know where to turn stop Can't decide whether I like peanut butter anymore stop Have starting spreading philadelphia cream cheese on everything stop Existential crisis stop Will consult with doctor stop
[converted from original email in the style of a telegram]
Yesterday, I came the closest I have ever been to pooing myself. I don't want to ruin the surprise but I did get to a toilet in time. Just. In memorium, I have composed a poem:
Syrupy brown friendPoking from my bottomPlease go back insideIt's not safe outsideAnd I don't want to have to clean the doorstepMaybe I shouldn't eat so much branPorcelain championWhite and now flecked with pooYou are my best friendI love you toiletBut I still love pooingSuch is lifeWas it allADream????
I've been on holiday! I love holidays! But I love home too! While I was on holiday I got my mum to get me some foreign peanut butter (pénút búttúré) - I got back a few days ago but my poo poem reminded me about peanut butter!
Calvé Pindakaas - El Peanut Buttere Phwoar! That's a spicy meatball! One thing you may not know and will be happy to find out is that peanut butter is the same everywhere around the world! No matter where you go or who you buy from, peanut butter is still made from peanuts (and some butter)! Calvé Pindakaas was pretty good stuff! I had it on Spanish bread though, so maybe I was enjoying the bread and not the peanut butter? What if that's the same with all the peanut butter I eat? Maybe I just like bread and not peanut butter. Ow. That hurts my head.
Here is a record by Torche! What a great band! They are "just wow" as my mum would say! This is their first record!! Good job for getting it right first time dudes! SLAMMIN!! It is sludge with a positive message - STAY POSI!!
Growing up, I was never a fan of peanut butter. I found the chunky, sticky texture far too much for my delicate, refined palette. I recently ventured to the United States where peanut butter is ubiquitous and I steadily grew to tolerate it. So here is my review of peanut butter, for those of you who have not yet embraced it.
Use:
Peanut butter is really good in sandwiches. I highly recommend trying this. Also, combined with ‘J’ (i.e. PB+J) it is nice. I have heard that peanut butter can be used in other savoury and indeed sweet contexts but I advise avoiding them because on my part, these are unchartered waters.
Taste:
The taste of peanut butter is not dissimilar to that of peanuts only more smooth and paste like. I would recommend peanut butter to those without teeth or perhaps those who like both thick drinks and peanuts. Peanut butter is a suitable combination of both.
I only had peanut butter within the context of PB+J. It was very nice but seeing as I have never eaten peanut butter on its own I am going to assume that it is horrible so I recommend everyone avoiding it.
Texture:
Peanut butter, as outlined above is thick and sticky. If your personality matches both of these attributes, you’re sure to love peanut butter. It is essentially, for thick, sticky people. As I have abstained from the paste for 24 years, I do not fall in this category. I only ate smooth peanut butter so I would suggest that everyone go for smooth as chunky is probably disgusting.
Variables:
Peanut butter can come in many different guises. The first guise I came across was thinner, fruit flavoured peanut butter (JAM). This is nice and I recommend it. I also stumbled across white and cold peanut butter (ICE CREAM) this is also nice but often not suitable within the PB+J sandwich context.
OH MY GODOH MY GODI love to party!! And so does my friend and yours Andrew WK!! I love Japan! AND SO DOES MY FRIEND AND YOURS ANDREW WK!!!Andy (not Andy P) recorded this super-great album of covers of Japanese pop songs AWW IT ROCKS!! Nothing has ever rocked this hard (I'm pretty sure!)! A lot of the words are English so don't worry about not understanding - also, partying is the same in any language AS ANDREW WK SAYS!!!If I had to compare Andrew WK to a peanut butter, it DEFINITELY wouldn't be ASDA Organic Crunchy Peanut Butter.
Comparing them would be like comparing partying and gardening (both extremely enjoyable!!)
ASDA Organic Crunchy Peanut Butter is an earthy, smooth in taste yet crunchy in texture peanut butter with a dusty bite you will not expect! It also one of the saltiest peanut butters ever (NOT NECESSARILY TRUE I HAVEN'T TASTED EVERY PEANUT BUTTER EVER). There is very little sweetness to this muddy, comforting peanut butter, but don't let that put you off! It is an excellent "come-down" peanut butter, when you have been up all night dancing (perhaps at a disco) and in the morning your head hurts (because you were up past your bedtime) - have some of this on toast and your headache will feel better (a bit)!!
Taste: 3/5 Texture: 4/5 (surprisingly smooth for a crunchy peanut butter!!!) Cost: 4/5 (very cheap! good!)
Good on you ASDA!
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