Tesco Whole Earth/Americano Peanut Buttero/ASDA Peanut & Cashew Butter

YO YO YO DUDES!!!
Got a bodacious post for ya this week! Not one but 3!!!! peanut butters up for review!!1 THAT'S A SPICEY MEATBALL!!1

But first, the bad news - my doctor friend Ed has told me that maths scientists has found a disturbing condition related to my favourite past-time - it is THE FEAR OF EATING PEANUT BUTTER!!!1 Thanks maths!
Ed has promised me he'll get rid of this condition also using maths - thanks Ed!!






PICTURE NOT FOUND

YEAH!!! gonna jazz it up for you guys this time!! Instead of just reviewing these THREE peanut butters I've made a quiz, and you have to guess what sort of peanut butter you'd be - tubular!!1

Question the First:
1. Where do you live?
a) America/Eastern European hovel
b) On a farm
c) On a cashew plantation

Secondth Question:
2. What is your average annual income?
a) Several groates
b) Loadsa fahkin' money
c) N/A

Question being the Third of the questions:
3. What is your main export?
a) Children/after-birth/stem cells
b) Cocaine/family law advice/houses
c) Cashews

Question of the Fourth variety of questionings:
4. What do you feel like to the touch?
a) sticky & poor
b) velvety smooth with a dusty coating of refined belgian sugar
c) nut-esque

ANSWERS:

If you answered mostly A you are - LIDL (pronunced l-ee-del) Americano Peanut Buttero
If you answered mostly B you are - Tesco Whole Earth Organic Peanut Butter
If you answered mostly C you are - ASDA peanut AND cashew peanut butter (all lower case)

GREAT STUFF!!!!
Here is a record by a band called TOE. Thanks!!!1

Media Suppository (sp???)

NEWSFLASH: STUPID ANIMALS LIKE THINGS THAT ARE FOOD (AND THAT ARE ALSO PEANUT BUTTER)
courtesy of Damon

NEWSFLASH: MAN ENJOYS PEANUT BUTTER (TOO MUCH)
courtesy of Jack

NEWSFLASH: PEANUT BUTTER IS IN THIS SEASON (MUSICALLY) - WATCH OUT COOL PEOPLE!
courtesy of Shiri

FRIEND COLLAGE!!!










NEXT WEEK:

Guest reviewer! (possibly Alex if he reads this)

TESCO WHOLENUT - THE REVIEWENING

SPRING BREAK!!!

SPRING BREAK RULES!!!!!

Spring break is coming up soon (maybe)! I am super excited about all the fun we're going to have! In England we call Spring Break "Chrsitmas", but in America, they call Spring Break...SPRING BREAK!!! I'm just imagining all the adventures I might have...



ANYWAY! This blog is about reviewing peanut-butter, not wearing hoodies or being a bear!

This installment: Tesco Wholenut Crunchy Peanut Butter
After coming under attack from one Alex Andrews for not being a conessewer (sp???) of PB because I prefer smooth, silk like textures in my mouth, I have decided to defend my coinasser (sp?!?) status by reviewing a crunchy peanut butter AND banning him from ever posting on this blog.

(Picture of Tesco Wholenut Crunchy Peanut Butter)(


(Imagine it)

I found this particular spread to be what one might call a "keeping up with the jonses but failing" spread - there is no such thing as Fair Trade peanut butter, so the next best option is WHOLENUT. However, you don't have very much money so you shop at Tescos (but you think you are too good for Lidl because it is full of old Eastern European people). THIS IS THE SPREAD FOR YOU!!!

I found it mildly pleasant, and you can certainly feel the benefit of the extra roughage in your PB as it heads directly for your colon. However, the taste, whilst initially unsurprising yet pleasing, lingers indefinitely on one's tongue - ensuring a savoury aftertaste that is horrible, yet not without its charms if you go searching in the back of your mouth with a finger when you're really hungry.

Taste: 3/5 descending to 1/5
Texture: 2/5
Cost: THE PRICE IS RIGHT


REACH FOR THE SKIIS!!!

From a Concerned Reader

I recently received an electronic letter from one of my readers, who was quite clearly "disturbed" by the contents of my latest post. After a time of upheaval for me and the peanut butter world, I would like to address this electronic letter writer and, indeed, the entire peanut butter reader/reviewer community:

Dear XXXX

I understand your concern - I've taken a lot of flak for my musings vis a vis 'the nutty butty': my hard-line policy on sunpat, my favouring of smooth over crunchy, my use of un-credited pictures of asian people - all these things have drawn staunch defenders with vocal disapproval of my opinions.

As for "deciding" whether I like it or not, this has not been a choice. Rather, it has been a time of turbulence in my mouth and in the part of my brain related to my mouth. The recent revelation I was privy to regarding Philadelphia cream-cheese shook my world to its core/its foundations/the core of its foundations. For a boy - nay, a man - raised on 'pbutter', the nut-based spread is part of my DNA. I can reject it only as much as I can eject my arm from its socket without apparently touching/yanking it out with my other arm.

It is with much gravitas and appropriate ceremony that I state that I WILL NOT ABANDON MY FAVOURITE NON MEAT BASED SANDWICH SPREAD - you have my word.

Sincerely
The person who is writing this blog and doing what-not

Normal peanut-butter reviewing services will resume FORTHWITH


(REACH FOR YOUR DREAMS)

From Your Author

Don't know where to turn stop
Can't decide whether I like peanut butter anymore stop
Have starting spreading philadelphia cream cheese on everything stop
Existential crisis stop
Will consult with doctor stop

[converted from original email in the style of a telegram]

A PERSONAL POST

Yesterday, I came the closest I have ever been to pooing myself. I don't want to ruin the surprise but I did get to a toilet in time. Just. In memorium, I have composed a poem:

Syrupy brown friend Poking from my bottom Please go back inside It's not safe outside And I don't want to have to clean the doorstep Maybe I shouldn't eat so much bran Porcelain champion White and now flecked with poo You are my best friend I love you toilet But I still love pooing Such is life Was it all A Dream ????

I've been on holiday! I love holidays! But I love home too!
While I was on holiday I got my mum to get me some foreign peanut butter (pénút búttúré) - I got back a few days ago but my poo poem reminded me about peanut butter!



Calvé Pindakaas - El Peanut Buttere
Phwoar! That's a spicy meatball!

One thing you may not know and will be happy to find out is that peanut butter is the same everywhere around the world! No matter where you go or who you buy from, peanut butter is still made from peanuts (and some butter)! Calvé Pindakaas was pretty good stuff! I had it on Spanish bread though, so maybe I was enjoying the bread and not the peanut butter? What if that's the same with all the peanut butter I eat? Maybe I just like bread and not peanut butter.
Ow.
That hurts my head.

Taste: Quatro/Sinco
Texture: Tres/Sinco
Cost: Tres/Sinco

Here is a record by Torche! What a great band! They are "just wow" as my mum would say! This is their first record!! Good job for getting it right first time dudes! SLAMMIN!! It is sludge with a positive message - STAY POSI!!

Bye!!

GUEST REVIEW: Simon Thomas of Blue Peter Fame

Review

Growing up, I was never a fan of peanut butter. I found the chunky, sticky texture far too much for my delicate, refined palette. I recently ventured to the United States where peanut butter is ubiquitous and I steadily grew to tolerate it. So here is my review of peanut butter, for those of you who have not yet embraced it.

Use:

Peanut butter is really good in sandwiches. I highly recommend trying this. Also, combined with ‘J’ (i.e. PB+J) it is nice. I have heard that peanut butter can be used in other savoury and indeed sweet contexts but I advise avoiding them because on my part, these are unchartered waters.

Taste:

The taste of peanut butter is not dissimilar to that of peanuts only more smooth and paste like. I would recommend peanut butter to those without teeth or perhaps those who like both thick drinks and peanuts. Peanut butter is a suitable combination of both.

I only had peanut butter within the context of PB+J. It was very nice but seeing as I have never eaten peanut butter on its own I am going to assume that it is horrible so I recommend everyone avoiding it.

Texture:

Peanut butter, as outlined above is thick and sticky. If your personality matches both of these attributes, you’re sure to love peanut butter. It is essentially, for thick, sticky people. As I have abstained from the paste for 24 years, I do not fall in this category. I only ate smooth peanut butter so I would suggest that everyone go for smooth as chunky is probably disgusting.

Variables:

Peanut butter can come in many different guises. The first guise I came across was thinner, fruit flavoured peanut butter (JAM). This is nice and I recommend it. I also stumbled across white and cold peanut butter (ICE CREAM) this is also nice but often not suitable within the PB+J sandwich context.

Peanut butter in summary:

Taste: 3/5

Texture: 4/5

Cost: 5 dollars.